


if you're wondering if i want you to

by throwaway18



Series: she keeps me warm [2]
Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Best Friends, Confessions, F/F, F/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24756127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throwaway18/pseuds/throwaway18
Summary: confessing, for son seungwan, just seems like the worst idea ever(rewritten)
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Park Bogum, Bae Joohyun | Irene/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Series: she keeps me warm [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1790314
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	if you're wondering if i want you to

**Author's Note:**

> this story is, of course, purely fictional and is for my creative outlet
> 
> please do not link this story to any of the girls as i respect their privacy, and again, i write my stories out of entertainment and nothing more
> 
> with that said, please ship responsibly and be kind to one another <3
> 
> (cross-posted on aff)
> 
> bringing back the first ever wenrene story i've completed and uploaded last september 2019. this has been rewritten, although the storyline remains. for a better visualization, imagine wenseulrene during their "happiness" era for this story

Son Seungwan is a model student.

She obediently abides by the rules, has been used as an example by her teachers for students to follow, and is practically a saint in the making in her own right. Understandably, it shouldn’t be difficult for her to maintain her model student persona at Camp Level Up, but as the leaves crunch underneath each passing stride, Seungwan can feel her scot-free record cracking, the lines of the cracks branching out, growing and intersecting, until the damage becomes undeniably prominent at a single glance.

Seungwan’s heartbeat triples its tempo, her pulse ringing in her ears. She hates being unable to distinguish the area they are in, all of the trees bearing striking similarities at nightfall. Pulling a U-turn of this ridiculous escapade would be the _Seungwan-esque_ thing to do, whose morals would have overruled in any given situation. But as of the moment, that version of Seungwan ceases to exist, exchanged by _this_ version of Son Seungwan who becomes absolutely putty in the hands of a brazen brunette.

“Should we be here?” Seungwan asks the older girl a few feet ahead of her, her companion taking the lead of their trek into the woods. It’s a rhetorical question, both knowing that they _shouldn’t_ be here. Seungwan has been hoping to knock some guilt into her friend. They continue to shuffle away from the camp grounds, the bonfire getting smaller and smaller as Seungwan looks back, no longer seeing the bright orange hue of the fire. The fear of getting lost and getting caught by their camp counselors activates her anxiety.

“I don’t know.” Joohyun eventually answers. She shrugs calmly.

Or at least it’s what Seungwan thinks she does.

The only source of light in their dangerous adventure is the moon hovering above them, the presence of the trees making it impossible for the natural light to spill evenly all over the ground, sifting it to random areas of the woods like miniature spotlights. Resident safe-kid Seungwan would have brought her flashlight along with them if it wasn’t for Joohyun’s insistence that they venture into the darkness _immediately_ to ensure neither of their counselors could catch them escaping from tonight’s activity.

“I’ve never been to this trail during the dark,” Joohyun then admits, turning halfway to peer at a visibly worried Seungwan. The older girl smiles at her reassuringly, a glint of excitement sparkling her dark brown orbs.

That’s all it takes for Seungwan to be whipped beyond help.

When she had first laid eyes on Bae Joohyun, Seungwan knew she was done for. She had been a freshman then, moving into a new neighborhood due to her father’s work before her classes officially began. Her sister was in Canada for university which left Seungwan to spend the summer by herself without knowing anyone else in this district in Seoul. She would entertain herself by doing what any other bored teenager would do, stay holed up in her room, surf the internet for cat videos and binge-watch a shopping list of Netflix series until the crack of dawn.

And the opportune moment came as she met Bae Joohyun.

Seungwan’s mother had dragged her out of her room and ordered her to trim the bushes at their front lawn, demanding that she get her much needed sunlight instead of confining herself under the covers in the darkness of her unlit bedroom. Seungwan had been grouchy about being coaxed into the brightness of the outside world. In hindsight, it was the best order her mother has ever given her. She had been done with her task and was about to return inside from taking out the trash when the earth slowed the tilt on its axis, presenting a dramatic introduction of the girl who would soon steal her heart.

The Bae’s front door opens, a hymn of joyous praise blaring harmoniously from the living room and into Seungwan’s eardrums. A ray of sunshine had been casted upon the doorway as a girl with luscious raven hair cascading past her smooth shoulders emerged from the home, clothed in an athletic ensemble of black leggings that hugged her toned legs and a pink sleeveless tee that hung loose around her frame. She had raised her hands up to gather her hair into a messy ponytail, exposing the fine porcelain skin on her neck, simultaneously flashing the flesh on her belly at her tee moving upwards. Her mesmerizing eyes had fallen on Seungwan, and it’s right then and there that the younger girl’s feet had lost their coordination.

She had missed the curb, her foot colliding to the edge and she stumbled ungracefully into her front lawn. It was her grand entrance in Joohyun’s life, the girl laughing so obnoxiously loud that other neighbors began to curiously check on the awkward kid who has half her body stuffed into the bushes. Face-planting had stung, but it was the most fulfilling achievement in Son Seungwan’s sixteen years, being the sole reason for bringing out the laughter from Joohyun. It was a thousand times better than any academic award she had received.

Seungwan thought she had won in life. Her bruises and scratches were indeed worth it.

The two rebelling campers pad around the area in silence, the occasional singing of crickets slicing through their silent conversation. The trail Joohyun has chosen isn’t one to be followed during the night, however, it’s the quickest path to take towards the lake, saving them twenty minutes of trekking. Although, it’s not guaranteed to be the safest without daylight. Seungwan couldn’t detect any of the markers leading to the lake which would have been recognizable at the sun’s illumination.

She abruptly stops, breaching the pace of her footsteps.

Seungwan hears what seem to be children laughing in the distance, an unusual sound since Camp Level Up doesn’t accept kids below sixteen. The hairs on her arms stand on their ends. “Let’s go back,” she announces nervously. She’s has no wishes to be acquainted with the campers of the afterlife. She prefers campers to be alive and breathing, and most importantly, human.

“Oh, Seungwan, don’t be a baby,” Joohyun backtracks to where Seungwan stands frozen in fear, clasping the younger’s hand in hers. Even the smallest contact of skin sends electric waves coursing through Seungwan’s body, doubling the prickling of the goosebumps on her arms. She obviously relents, letting Joohyun take her into a wide clearing where a bunch of middle-schooler campers, like real _live_ ones to Seungwan’s relief, are having the time of their lives running around by the perimeter of a lake.

“See, even the middle school kids are here.” Joohyun gestures at them.

A short-haired girl, whose boisterous laugh has been the most distinct out of the kids tackles another girl she calls Jennie, and they both get drenched as they collapse into the water. They’re pretty cute, Seungwan thinks, but she watches them in confusion because, since when did their camp start accepting middle schoolers? Why is she only seeing them now?

“Don’t you belong to Camp Level Up?”

And that’s when Seungwan realizes that, oh gosh, they’ve gotten lost in the midst of their journey and have tumbled into another camp’s territory. She and Joohyun turn to a male junior counselor, about Joohyun’s age (a year older than Seungwan, making him eighteen) and his eyes shift from projecting an authoritative intimidation to a look of pure amazement upon seeing her neighbor. He blinks, multiple times, as if he couldn’t believe he’s within in the vicinity of someone so utterly ethereal.

Seungwan wants to kick him in the nut.

“And so what if we are?” Joohyun challenges him, somewhat innocently, her velvety voice wrapping him around her finger. Bae Joohyun may hold the appearance of a demure and an innocent beauty in the eyes of others, but she’s a sly little Slytherin who knows how to use specific situations to her advantage. Meanwhile, Seungwan had gotten banned for a month from a restaurant for taking too many refills.

Joohyun juts out her lower lip, ever so slightly that Seungwan melts along with the recently mute counselor. “I promise we won’t cause you any trouble. _Pleeease._ ” She draws the last word for seconds, gently placing a pleading hand on his limp arm.

The counselor’s mouth twitches at the touch, his Adam’s apple bobbing, eyeing Joohyun’s hand in surprise that a beautiful stranger has laid her precious hand on him.

Seungwan fiddles with the sleeve of her shirt.

“O—okay, just.” He stammers dumbly. “Just don’t. Yeah.”

A squeal of thanks erupts from Joohyun and a formal, less charming one from Seungwan. The male counselor stands in a daze, unable to recuperate from the brief interaction with one of the most gorgeous girls who has roamed the earth, as the two neighbors hightail away from him, hand in hand.

They trudge by the edge of the lake, talking among themselves and dodging the wet kids. Something Seungwan says makes Joohyun laugh, her eyes adorably squinting in mirth and she squeezes the younger’s hand in hers. Seungwan glimpses at their linked hands, never quite getting used to how their fingers have become intertwined without her realization. She must have harvested years’ worth of luck to be given the opportunity. Once they had enough of sightseeing (their legs were giving out from the constant walking), they settle on a lonely stump, sitting side by side to face the serene body of water.

In the night sky, the moon is round and glowing, reflecting a distorted potato chip onto the midnight blue waters, subsequently shedding adequate illumination in their area.

Seungwan subtly side-eyes Joohyun, admiring the glow she is giving out as well. Her facial features are relaxed, lips faintly tilting in a manner that didn’t require a lot of effort for a smile and her eyes are gazing at the view so peacefully. So content. Her hands have no plans of letting go of Seungwan’s either, resting their joined hands on the older girl’s lap with her thumb tracing imperceptible patterns on Seungwan’s backhand. This intimate moment causes the younger girl to be in distress, and her heart body slams itself to her chest.

She couldn’t take it. She has to deter the mood elsewhere before Joohyun could discern her sudden discomfort.

“So what’s the score between you and that guy?” Okay, this is a dumb diversion, and Seungwan regrets it as soon as the words have left her mouth. She could have said anything, there are a million of other things she could say, but her stupid brain has racked up a topic that was the least ideal.

“Who?”

Crap. Seungwan has done this to herself. She’s not too thrilled of having to say his name out loud. She mutters lowly, albeit casually. “Park Bogum.”

Joohyun is now playing with Seungwan’s hand, her free hand joining in on caressing Seungwan’s skin. Her eyes are downcast, almost drowning in her weird fascination with the younger girl’s left hand. “It was just for the program.” She chuckles before smiling.

Their camp had a small assembly held earlier in the morning. Joohyun and Bogum had been selected to be the emcees after a round of voting, most of the voters quoting the chemistry they shared as hosts in a program they had also emceed for at school. The assembly had gone without a hitch because of their incredible performance. Seungwan was proud of her friend, but she secretly hopes, _prays_ even, that the actual chemistry they share is only their class.

“But what he said was pretty sweet, wasn’t it?” Seungwan goads in a word vomit fashion. What is her mouth doing? Why can’t she stop? She desperately wants to sucker punch herself in the face if it means she could shut herself up. She’s asking to let herself be stabbed in the chest, really, straight to her heart, puncturing its veins and digging her own grave to be buried in.

“He was only following the script.” Joohyun shrugs, training her eyes onto the water with a trace of boredom. Seungwan couldn’t decrypt the vagueness of her reply. Her neighbor isn’t one to disclose her personal matters. Seungwan doesn’t remember Joohyun uttering a boy’s name in interest despite the long list of admirers she has, which would put ticketing lines to the theater to shame. It doesn’t mean she’s gay too, since she hasn’t reciprocated any advances from the girls at school.

Generally speaking, Bae Joohyun has zero interest in dating.

For now, Seungwan supposes.

“You guys held hands.”

_Another word vomit, Seungwan. Nice._

“His hand got a little clammy.”

The comment causes Seungwan to be self-conscious, leering at the perspiration developing in her own. “My hand’s getting sweaty,” she confesses quietly, moving to retract her hand but Joohyun only pulls it closer.

“I don’t mind if it’s you.” Her neighbor squeezes her hand comfortingly and squeezes Seungwan’s heart in the process.

They lapse into minutes of appreciating mother nature, with Seungwan peering at Joohyun every now and then, unable to fully appreciate the beauty of the lake. The only beauty her frazzled brain is grappling is of Joohyun’s. She couldn’t repress her feelings. Her childish crush on the older girl is hopeless.

Why is she so hung up on someone who clearly wants nothing past a platonic relationship with her? Why is it so difficult to let it all go? She would have to get rid of it soon before her growing emotions constrict the air out of her and she suffocates from the unrequited feelings, dying from her own stupidity. Dying alone. Or probably with cats.

The dying with cats seem plausible.

“What?” Joohyun jars her from her thoughts, her head cocking questioningly.

Seungwan wheezes for a second. She has been distractedly staring into Joohyun’s pretty face and has been caught red-handed. She internally panics, forcing her brain to formulate a more convincing diversion this time. “There’s a, uh, a bit of dirt on your cheek.” _Great job, brain! No dirt on her face but she can’t see it anyway._ Seungwan gives herself a congratulatory pat on the back for functioning like an actual human for once.

“Can you get it for me? I can’t see it.” Joohyun’s hand blindly searches around her face to demonstrate her predicament.

 _No_ bubbles inside Seungwan’s mouth, but this is Joohyun we’re talking about and what Joohyun wants, Seungwan would be more than ready to give. Like her heart. But then she would be dead, so.

“Alright, hold still,” Seungwan throws the words casually to mask her nervousness. Her hands creep to Joohyun’s face, palming her cheek. Her thumb grazes at her flawless skin, an absence of blemishes, and miraculously, she does find some dirt below her eye. She gently cleans it off, focusing on giving gentle dabs on her neighbor’s face, but in the middle of it, she has managed to bring herself closer. She notices this as Joohyun’s face has totally invaded her field of vision, the older girl’s eyes bearing into her soul when Seungwan bravely looks at them. And their closeness must have made her lose her sanity because she finds the barest hint of _wanting_ she thought she saw from those hypnotizing eyes.

_Son Seungwan you’re seriously going crazy!_

Seungwan hurriedly backs from the skin-to-skin contact. She flings her arms to the safety of her sides, stubbornly refusing to meet Joohyun’s gaze. “All gone.” She clenches her teeth together. Her heart somehow couldn’t placate itself despite their renewed space.

In her periphery, Joohyun blinks, her best friend’s expression unreadable. “Thanks.”

The hammering of Seungwan’s heart pounds into her ear. It beats and beats, ramming itself onto her chest, begging to be released from its captivity. She’s losing the inner battle to gain control and words are crawling up her throat, climbing for its desperate escape. She hurries to confine it. “So do you want to head back?” She suddenly asks, standing and dusting off her shorts as an excuse to avert her focus.

“Do _you.._?” Joohyun lifts her head at her, looking a tad gloomy.

Seungwan must be bursting out their fun by asking that, deflating at the disappointment in her friend’s voice. How is she going to get over her feelings if she repeatedly goes soft for her neighbor? Is she going to live the rest of her life hopelessly pining over Joohyun? How pathetic can she get?

“I don’t know, um, depends if you still want to stay?” Jesus, is there any way to turn off her rambling mouth? Or take out her batteries? Can she have her manual so she could search on how to find her emergency power switch? “I mean, Seulgi might kill me for abandoning her while on patrol duty but like, we can still, you know, stay here by the lake, by that noisy Lisa kid, if—if you want to that is.”

She doesn’t bother to gauge for Joohyun’s reaction, she knows how much of a bumbling idiot she is. Seungwan is a hundred percent sure Joohyun is currently second-guessing their friendship. Probably thinking she could use a functioning friend who didn’t lag as often as Seungwan did, who most likely is a factory defect.

Then, Joohyun giggles.

_“Cute.”_

“What?” Seungwan is uncertain on the proper procedure when Bae Joohyun calls you _cute_. It doesn’t happen on a daily basis. Maybe there’s a step by step instruction in her manual. She really has to get her hands on it, wherever it is. She couldn’t help wonder if God had been in a rush to create her. A last-minute assignment perhaps? Does God procrastinate?

Joohyun snaps her fingers in front of her, startling her from her ruminations. Seungwan gives her an embarrassed smile for spacing out. Thank heavens mind-reading doesn’t truly exist. Therapists would have a field day with her.

“I said let’s go then. I don’t want Seulgi to kill you, I still kinda need you until camp ends.” Joohyun rises from the stump then intertwines their fingers again. Seungwan guesses she doesn’t mind holding onto her damp gangly hand. Her level of comfort with her must have an infinite limit.

“And when it does end, you’re fine with having me disposed?” they begin their journey back to their camp ground, hopefully finding their way before the evening roll call. Seulgi had covered her ass last time, conjuring a lame story of Seungwan having a bad case of diarrhea.

Joohyun halts swinging their hands to send her a quirk of her eyebrow. “Hey, I didn’t force you to come with me.”

“You convinced me!”

“Still your choice, Seungwan.”

Oh, Joohyun had her there.

***

Seungwan and Joohyun separate at the communal grounds of their camp. They have blended with the crowd of campers, huddled around a bonfire, squeezing themselves in and acting like they have been singing along to the cheesy campfire songs all night. At their discreet arrival, pairs of hands yank Joohyun into a group of girls at the far back, her fellow senior classmates launching an interrogation of her sudden disappearance. She barely has any chance to say goodbye to Seungwan, but the junior waves her hand dismissively, urging her to join her friends.

She has to find Seulgi anyway.

Their patrol duty would have concluded an hour ago, approximately within the timeframe when she and Joohyun were lounging by the lake. What they were tasked to do has been simple, scout the perimeter of their campsite for any observations such as signs of big animal footprints (wild boars could be lurking nearby), suspicious markings or vandalisms on the signages, campers violating the rules and other precautionary measures to be noted of. They were halfway through citing a hormonal couple for public indecency (nothing to do with nudity thank God, just two handsy teenagers they sent with a warning) before Seungwan was lured into temptation.

As Seungwan’s childhood best friend, Seulgi has known her inside out, knows how incredibly weak her will to decline is upon being faced with her personal Kryptonite. She was simply talking Joohyun out of getting past their camp’s territory, but she ended up going past it herself. Seulgi had been too preoccupied watching a magic trick done by the guy they were citing to even realize Seungwan had committed her own violation.

Several meters from the communal ground is a small open area that both Seungwan and Seulgi would frequent. The larger trees surrounding it muffles the noise coming from the bonfire, a perfect place to have private conversations while stargazing. Though it may not have benches or chairs to sit on, the short grass still offers as an alternative, a better one Seungwan might add. Sure enough, she finds Seulgi there, gazing at the night sky and leaning onto something Seungwan’s poor eyesight couldn’t make out. She approaches her best friend, a guilt-ridden smile plastered flatly on her lips.

Seulgi’s ears pick up on Seungwan’s footsteps and she turns to the approaching camper, narrowing her eyes into thinner slits. She crosses her arms. “Well, well, well.”

Seungwan is a meter away from Seulgi, and she finally determines the object her friend is leaning against. “Are you saying that because you’re standing right beside three wells?”

Her best friend instantly changes her demeanor, face lighting up. “Yeah, dude, you have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to use that—” then she frowns again, probably remembering why she had been frowning. “No wait, I’m supposed to be mad at you!” she points an accusatory finger and sulks.

Seungwan could only apologize. She sighs. “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have left you like that.”

“Are you really sorry?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Seulgi hums for a while, tapping her index finger to her chin in consideration. After a few seconds, she says, “You’re forgiven.” Seungwan’s mouth opens but Seulgi holds up the same index finger to let her know she has a condition in gaining her total forgiveness. She grins wickedly, mischief displaying in her eyes.

“If you tell Joohyun you like her.”

Seungwan’s own eyes bulge from their sockets.

“I—what—no!” She shakes her head vehemently like a self-destructing robot. Her treacherous brain begins malfunctioning, tossing grammar and coherent speech out of the window. “That’s not—it’s not. She’s, s-she’s Joohyun. Bae Joohyun, and she, she won’t. I’m me. Me. I can’t. She can’t—”

“Woah, breathe there for a sec.” Seulgi rushes to her side and rubs at her arms. “Did I break you?” She asks, her voice trickling with concern.

More of Seungwan’s remorse rushes to her because even when she’s at fault, Seulgi has it in her to be compassionate. She’s way too good for this world, and Seungwan feels undeserving of her friendship. The shorter girl shakes her head, slowly this time around.

“So talk to me.” Seulgi encourages, her hands soothing Seungwan’s arms.

Seungwan also leans her back against the stone well beside her best friend. She huffs out sadly, her shoulders sagging at the weight of the topic. Her stomach starts to rumble, not out of hunger but of uneasiness. The ache in Seungwan’s chest has tightened significantly. Her feelings are getting out of hand and her best friend has been advising her to tell her neighbor for months now. This specific conversation is becoming a broken record, a repetition of Seulgi’s questions with Seungwan giving the same answers.

“I can’t tell her.”

“Why not?”

Seulgi wouldn’t understand. She’s too positive, always seeking the best possible outcomes. Seungwan just likes to be realistic, to be spared from otherworldly expectations. She would rather stay in the unknown than confront a harrowing rejection.

Her heart can only hurt too much.

“It would ruin our friendship,” Seungwan tells her, tears dampening at the corners of her eyes. Her current relationship with Joohyun is too valuable to put on the line. She twiddles with the threaded friendship bracelet on her wrist that Joohyun made for her the other week. “She doesn’t see me like that anyway,” she croaks, laughing bitterly.

She just has to choose the most unattainable person, didn’t she? She wishes she had a say in the matters of the heart. It’s getting messy and complicated on the inside, like she’s about to puke and pass out all at once.

“And knowing that alone already sucks. How much more if I’d actually hear that from her?”

***

The next day, Seungwan forgets about her dramatic spiel and Seulgi doesn’t pester her about it either. They don’t speak of it, a mutual decision to end it for the time-being. Seungwan wouldn’t be able function if pressured to do the unthinkable and hang around Joohyun at the same time. She’s hardly a functioning member of society in the first place.

“Hey.” Joohyun catches her at the wooden dining hall. It’s Sunday, meaning the campers are given two whole hours of lunch to be with their families. At Seungwan’s parentless state, she asks, “Where are your parents?”

“They’ll arrive sometime later,” Seungwan replies, shoving her hands deep into her shorts’ pockets so Joohyun wouldn’t notice they have gotten sweaty again. Her parents informed her they would be running late due to her sisters delayed flight to Seoul. She initially planned on napping in her cabin to wait for them or to read the magazine Sooyoung lent her, but Joohyun is already dragging her to a table.

“Join us then. My mom misses you!”

Seungwan blushes, spotting Joohyun’s parents and her younger sister, Yerim, engage in an animated conversation. The Bae family jerk their heads towards her. “Oh no, I don’t want to intrude—”

“Seungwan!” Mrs. Bae greets her with a very welcoming smile. She beckons Seugwan to the bench. “Sit, sit.”

Joohyun pulls Seungwan onto the space next to her, and she politely says hi to everyone. Yerim seems to be pleased at the added company, hugging Seungwan by reaching over an annoyed Joohyun who playfully shoves her younger sister. Mrs. Bae reprimands the bickering sisters to settle down, stating that they should be ashamed for behaving like uncivilized children in Seungwan’s presence. Seungwan assures Mrs. Bae that said behavior is a norm at the Son household whenever she and her sister are breathing the same air.

Her neighbor sends her a grateful smile for saving her butt.

Joohyun’s parents extract containers from the bags the have brought for their meal, and a wave of dread washes over Seungwan. Mrs. Bae uncovers the containers to display a helping of rice, side dishes and lots and lots of _meat._ Seungwan has forgotten to mention to Joohyun that she has been practicing a new diet, one that doesn’t include meat. It’s been her personal choice to aid her in being in shape for the following football season, cutting her sugar and meat intake.

But she’s with Joohyun’s family, the family of the girl she has been pining over so badly. So once again, weak-willed Son Seungwan becomes a slave to her emotions and devours every single food the Bae’s put on her plate. The thought of her ruined diet dissipates as she enjoys the remainder of the meal, easily blending in with Joohyun’s family.

***

Joohyun has a rock in her dirt-stained palm, motioning for Seungwan to take it and skip it on the lake. The younger girl receives it uncertainly, not really skilled in this department being the city girl that she is. The rock isn’t as rigid as others, its surface smoother and evenly cut. She mimics Joohyun’s previous actions, taking one step back then angles herself sideways, swinging her arm in an arc before the rock flies from her grip. It hits the water, not sinking at the initial touch of the liquid, and it bounces four times in succession.

The older girl claps proudly at her accomplishment.

“What else should we do?”

Seungwan snorts unattractively. “More like what other rule should we break?”

They flop onto the wooden deck of the lake, Joohyun sitting cross-legged while Seungwan stretches her legs outwards and uses her arms to support her weight on her sides. With the camp nearing its end, they’re given the day off to do as they please. Seulgi has sprained her ankle from a rock-climbing activity and is sleeping it away in their cabin, so Joohyun has taken the initiative to accompany Seungwan today.

It’s unbeknownst to Seungwan as to why Joohyun would decide to chill at the lake with her rather than spend the last hours of fun with her senior friends. Seohyun, Yoona, Yongsun and Moonbyul are way, _way_ , cooler.

Joohyun bumps their shoulders together. “It’s fun, admit it.” She lowers her head so she’s looking up at Seungwan. It’s rewarding being able to experience Joohyun’s playful personality, a contrast to what outsiders see her as. Joohyun just has to be extra comfortable with the person to showcase her true self.

“Yeah, it’s fun.” Seungwan agrees.

_It's always fun when I'm with you._

“We’ve broken the curfew, looted the fridge for ice cream cake, drank alcohol, egged one of the boys’ cottages.” Joohyun lists them off her fingers.

“We did all that?” Seungwan couldn’t quite believe herself. Has she been so irrevocably swayed by Joohyun that she has done the aforementioned offenses with hardly a pinch of regret? She is _whipped_ alright.

“Now all that’s left is…” Joohyun’s eyes are fixated on the lake before them, the uptick of her mouth telling Seungwan her idea may potentially get them into bigger trouble. She has to suggest something different to derail Joohyun’s plan, whatever it is.

“Fishing..?” Seungwan guesses dubiously.

“Skinny-dipping.”

Blood shoots up to Seungwan’s cheeks, heating her entire face. The excessive beating of her heart renders her into a state of a dumb goldfish, concurrently opening and closing her mouth, and she looks at the birds, the lake, the mountains, the trees, anywhere but Joohyun. The thought of her neighbor naked before Seungwan is something out of a very mature and inappropriate dream of hers, which she would choose not to recall in greatest detail so shamelessly within the object of said dreams.

She'll be needing an ice-cold shower later.

“Nope. No. Nuh-uh.”

“Let’s do it tonight!”

Seungwan gulps thickly. “You’ll get hypothermia.” Joohyun isn’t the most resilient in the coldest conditions, and the older girl nods at her friend’s concerns. There is no way Seungwan would have that to happen. Her beating heart has receded into normalcy but her mind is still swimming with fantasies. It maneuvers her thoughts down to memory lane, recalling that one instance she and Joohyun were invited to a pool party at their other neighbor's house.

String bikinis and Joohyun are a recipe for disaster. How did she make it out alive? Skinny-dipping would surely direct her into the afterlife, seeing Joohyun’s—

_Wait, head out of the gutter, Seungwan!_

“Some other time then, when we get back." Seungwan exhales, relieved to hear Joohyun putting it off. "Cross it off our bucket list.”

Seungwan deadpans. “We have no bucket list.”

“We’ll make one,” Joohyun declares decisively. “We can try to check them off every weekend since we’ll be starting school.”

The talks about the future backpedals Seungwan. She has been engrossed in the coziness of Joohyun’s company, regretting to reveal an upsetting information in Seungwan’s life that would shift the course of their friendship.

Her mood changes somberly. “I can’t.”

“Don’t be baby, Seungwan. How about this, I’ll go to your house so we can do the simple ones first. Sound good?”

_She’s asking to go to your house, Seungwan._

Seungwan sits straighter. She’s reminded of the news her mother delivered to her at lunch, breaking it to her as cautiously as the woman could. She has told her family she’ll be fine, that it would take some time for her to gather herself, but they are all aware that she would be taking it the hardest. She bows her head slightly to prevent Joohyun from stealing a glimpse at the tear that slides down to her cheek. Luckily for her, Joohyun is busy smiling into the distance. Seungwan hates to be the reason for destroying her neighbor’s smile.

“I can’t,” she mumbles softly, almost a whisper to the air.

“Why not?” Joohyun whips her head towards her at the repeated dismissal, her smile gone in the wind. Her brows are furrowed, a combination of worry, sadness and confusion etched into her features.

Seungwan can’t do this. She really can’t.

But she has to.

So she says it while drawing her knees close to her chest, face hidden to avoid witnessing how her news would affect Joohyun.

“I’m moving to Canada.”

The chirping of the birds and various animal noises fill Seungwan’s ear as both of them are blanketed by silence. Seungwan doesn’t say anything else and Joohyun sits unresponsive. The lack of response is deafening to Seungwan, who fears her waterworks would begin leaking uncontrollably if she raises her head. Joohyun speaks, her emotions untraceable as Seungwan gains the courage to peek at her neighbor.

“Oh,” is all Joohyun says.

***

The day of the move arrives and Seungwan is standing at their front lawn. Everything has been packed into boxes and bags, and her family is doing a last-minute cleaning for the incoming family who would be replacing the Son’s as the Bae’s next-door neighbor. Seungwan is in need of some air to breathe, after her tear-stricken facetime session with Seulgi. Her best friend unfortunately has been infected with a late summer flu, too sick to bid a physical farewell.

Leaving her friends behind would have to be the excruciating part for Seungwan.

“Guess this is it,” she says observing their linked hands.

Joohyun murmurs weakly, her thumb tracing circles on Seungwan’s skin. “I guess so.”

Seungwan has no clue as to when she would make it back. They could visit in a couple of months. Or maybe in years. She’s not too sure about the length of her stay, but she’s sure she would be attending the same university as her older sister. She should be elated that they will be a family of four once again, her father earning a promotion and title at the Toronto branch of their company. But the downside of moving has made it difficult for Seungwan to keep a supportive façade.

And suddenly, her heart does a leap of faith.

“Joohyun.”

“Yeah?” her neighbor casts her a look.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Okay.”

_Come on, Seungwan, you won't see her for years. Rejection will be easy in Canada. It might literally kill your hopes of ever finding love again, and you'll have to resort being the awkward cat lady you're destined to be, but you will be miles apart so just spit it out!_

“I…” she sputters, a humungous lump forming at the base of her throat. She feels like she's about to hack a freakin' hair ball. “I l-like…”

“Yes..?” Joohyun watches her patiently.

Another voice enters her inner monologue.

_Seungwan! What are you doing you dumbass? This is Joohyun you're going to confess to. She doesn't like you like that! She never will! But she's your friend and you're going to put a wedge into your friendship if you carry on. Don't be selfish, Seungwan. Joohyun doesn't have to know. Keeping it to yourself is for the best._

_No, Seungwan! It’s now or never!_

_Don’t be a fool, Seungwan!_

_Seungwan!_

_Seungwan!_

“I li—” _Seungwan!_ “—left a sweater in your room," Seungwan says in a haste. Seulgi would be disappointed with her, but voice number two triumphs over her confession. Confessing is selfish. Joohyun would wallow herself in pity at her friend, and Seungwan couldn’t place a burden on her like that.

“Ah.” Joohyun hums. Her body slackens for some reason. “Do you want me to get it?” She moves to retrieve the clothing back into her house.

“No, no!” Seungwan keeps her neighbor with her, tugging at her hand. It isn’t a lie. She did leave her sweater on Joohyun's computer chair on purpose. Joohyun has the habit of sniffing into the material, catching her several times. She’d said it smelled exactly of Seungwan. “Uh, no. You can keep it.”

“Oh, okay. Cool.” Joohyun smiles in gratitude. Her lips scarcely maintain it. She swallows, eyeing Seungwan sadly. “I’m going to miss you.”

A sad Joohyun has to be the one Seungwan regrets seeing out of the numerous varieties of Joohyuns she has encountered. There's nothing more depressing than the dejected expression she wears. It rips Seungwan's heart out of her chest.

She tries to alleviate the situation. “You’ll still survive without me.”

Joohyun’s eyes become glassy. “I’ll do my best.”

“You can always call me. Or message me.”

“I know," Joohyun says defeatedly. “But it’s different.”

“Honey, time to go!” Seungwan's mom hollers from the interior of the house.

Joohyun goes in for a hug, unannounced, ultimately snatching the younger girl off guard. Seungwan, of course, returns it, her arms encasing the older girl who nuzzles herself at the crook of Seungwan’s neck. The staggered breaths indicate that Joohyun has succumbed to crying, and Seungwan can feel Joohyun’s hold on her pressing further. Even at its tightness, the physical pain doesn’t amount to the emotional one Seungwan suppresses.

“I love you,” Joohyun whispers, her bated breath tickling Seungwan’s ear and it’s a sharp dagger to Seungwan’s heart.

“I love you too.” Seungwan’s hand caresses the back of Joohyun’s head. The older girl trembles as her sobs increase in intensity, and Seungwan bites her lip, forbidding herself from having her own breakdown. She hides the heartbreak behind a teasing jab. “So you gotta tell me when you get yourself a boyfriend, okay? I have to know if he can tolerate you just as much as I can.” She pulls away to have her final look on Joohyun, embedding every detail of her features into her mind to take it with her.

Her eyes are puffy, cheeks sticky and red, but is still beautiful as ever. There will be many beautiful women in Canada to sweep Seungwan off her feet, but no one will come to a close to winning over her heart the way her neighbor graciously did.

Joohyun searches for something on Seungwan, her gaze lingering a minute longer, and she opens her mouth to say, “I—”

“Seungwan!” Seungwan’s mother calls for her from their car, ultimately breaking their embrace.

“Yeah, coming!” She yells back. Whatever Joohyun was about to tell her, she doesn’t push with it. Seungwan disregards it as something unimportant as she wipes a lone tear escaping from Joohyun's eyes. “Don’t cry too much, okay? I’ll see you soon.” She goes for a last hug to comfort her friend. “Bye, Joohyun.”

Joohyun sniffs, releasing their hands. “Yeah. Goodbye, Seungwan.”

***

_Four Years Later_

Seungwan returns to Korea prior to her upcoming senior year of university for a brief vacation. She has gotten accustomed to the Canadian culture effortlessly and has made many genuine friends there, but the newfound bonds didn't eradicate the friendships she unwillingly abandoned.

Life has other plans to her dismay, and the relationships she has formed in Seoul disintegrated over time. Seungwan didn't expect anyone to stop their on-going lives so she could still keep up, the time zones dividing their lives. She has allowed nature to take its course, and friends turned to acquaintances as years pass them by.

Among the others, it’s Seulgi who has continuously kept Seungwan up-to-date. Their friendship has stood the test of international times, and she was there whenever Seungwan had gotten ill with homesickness. She wasn't able to visit in the past years since her new school demanded so much of her time that she didn't have the spare energy to take a leave. Fortunately, her junior year of college became laxed, allowing her to fly to Seoul for a week.

It has been timely for her to visit because Camp Reveluv is having one of its get together slash reunion from their batch of campers. At her arrival, Seulgi ushers her to the dining hall where everyone fusses over the return of a Canadian friend.

"Seungwan?"

It has taken about two minutes for Seungwan to meet the person she has been yearning to see the most. Joohyun is quick to wrap her arms around her former neighbor, and Seungwan couldn't comprehend how even after four whole years of not seeing each other, Joohyun's breathtaking beauty still makes her speechless and be dazzled in awe.

"Joohyun, hey!" Seungwan beams warmly at her friend. Their friendship didn't exactly survive the same manner as hers with Seulgi did. Joohyun had college entrance exams to worry about while Seungwan had to adjust to her brand-new environment. And social media isn't Joohyun's forte so she's only heard of updates from Seulgi.

Joohyun hauls her to a table, deja vu flashing before her, and they sit right next to each other and catch up on lost time. At this point, Seungwan has moved on from the older girl, the distance being the main reason. She's dated three people in total, two guys and a girl, but her heart wouldn't cooperate at most times, her relationships very short-lived. She isn't devoid of love, there's just something missing she couldn't pinpoint.

Until now.

Silly Son Seungwan has thought she would be able extinguish her feelings by flying off to another country. The erratic beating of her heart resurfaces the feelings she has inundated into the depths of her emotions. It was merely frozen, the feeling defrosting as the familiar warmth blooms in her chest.

_No, no, no, oh god._

_You can’t still be, Seungwan._

_You can’t still be hung up on someone for four years._

But Joohyun's high school friends remarks something teasing at the older girl, and it distracts Seungwan for a split second, asking Joohyun what their laughing has to do with them.

“Because I had the most embarrassing thing for you in high school.”

“Huh?”

_What?_

“I liked you, Seungwan." Joohyun rolls her eyes good-naturedly. Seungwan has dissolved into a pile of gooey mush at the confession, her heartbeat a mess of _ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump_. "As in, _like_ like. Why do you think my friends would leave me with you during camp? They said my crush was the most obvious thing ever. I had a huge crush on you, Son Seungwan.”

_Bae Joohyun had a crush on her?_

_On her?!_

_Why didn’t she tell her?_

“You—you did..?”

Her stuttering produces a blush to Joohyun's cheeks in mortification. “Sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable.”

“No, no.” Seungwan eases her worries. Wow, seventeen year-old Seungwan was worried for nothing. She could redeem her younger self, make do with Joohyun’s revelation for all those wasted chances she let slip from her grasp. “Not at all. Actually, I—”

“Joohyun!” A guy calls out for her friend.

Joohyun averts her attention from Seungwan, responding to the male voice. “Right here, babe!”

Seungwan’s heart deflates.

_Babe?_

Joohyun flags the guy down, waving her arms to indicate her location. He sees her, his dimples deepening and his eyes brightening up, then acknowledges Seungwan with a friendly smile. He signals for them to resume their conversation as he talks with a group of guys handing him a beer.

Seugnwan can’t believe it.

“You actually ended up dating Bogum," Seungwan states, mouth numb at the shock. The silver of hope that had flourished is squashed in an instant, shredding Seungwan’s heart into pieces.

“Yeah. Almost three years now.” Joohyun confirms with a smile that mirrored his.

“How did that happen?”

Joohyun stirs on her seat, answering the question with the simplest explanation that would have made a difference if the younger girl had been courageous enough.

“He made a move.”

That’s a slap in the face to Seungwan’s cowardice.

“Be right back.” Joohyun politely excuses herself, tapping Seungwan on the leg before going up to Bogum, enveloping her arms around his waist.

Seulgi runs to her at Joohyun's departure, clueless of the shock that has shaken Seungwan to the core. She pokes her on her shoulders lightheartedly. “Hey, Sooyoung is spiking the punch. Wanna help add more alcohol to it?”

At the talk of alcohol, Seungwan gladly accepts, anything to drown the overflowing regret in her chest. "Yeah I could use a drink."

Where would she and Joohyun be if one of them had confessed?

**Author's Note:**

> moral of the story: confess to the person you like regardless of the outcome. getting a definite "no" is better than being haunted by a series of what if's
> 
> stay safe and healthy everyone!


End file.
